Today I feel a perfect idiot.
Monday, i recall a lot of mess from the school times and I remeber why I hated it so much. The start of doing, the anthema of peace. I remeber so well the sundays on the couch listening to the birds outside (lived in the countryside and then moved in the subburbs of the city but still didn't have the crazy traffic of nowadays) and the bike ride across the hills and then monday, stress, competition, study, learn, pay attention to something I didn't like, I've been forced to do school, it's not free the choice, you're fucking obliged to do it. They say you can choose with on. Ok it's choosing the rotten gun to shoot yourself. The same, bullies, heavy teachers that do everything to show how much they know. Big pices of crap and ego, nothing more. They teach to be B.I.G. in society, how to find your place, wich job is better for you OH MY GOD PLEASE WAKE ME UP. And it's always the same for several years till you go out. Then I lost a year, I got into depression, wanted to go in the foreign forces Legion Etranger of the french army. A military legion made the people who escape reality and prefer to face death. That's more interesting than paying a rent at the end of the month. Thanks to the WHOLE I understood that there where gay actions specially with not strong guys as I was , so I moved this idea out of my mind, and just started to jump scool for going in the country side taking pictures with my fathers' camera. This was life, motorbike along the country side stopping to take a picture, eat a salami sandwich and come back home for lunch. Meet my stressed mother and my depressed father at lunch in a very mediocrit conversation, seeing my father always coming late for lunch and my mother calling and seeing her lovley lunch getting cold. Histeria, stress, frustrations. Sick of this thing I continued to live in that place without finding a wellbeing. Only saturdays getting smashed nearby an old church with alcool did the job.
Why all this dunno, I'll continue next time. It's good to refresh the ideas. Take consciousness of what's happening in your life, what happened, why you feel shit now. Where are the roots.
Why am I going to australia tomorrow to meet ... don't know how to call her, girlfriend, friend, girl. Fuck it, simply I'm gonna meet this girl I met the second day of university. It was the deepest shock in my relationship life. Such a deep eye look, not sexy, not even gorgeous, wonderfully deep. I've been chasing this look for 3 years, I went back into marjuana deeply just to stay near her, always helped her with homework, massages as she was feeling very ill, took her to the hospital several times, helped her to move houses. Kept on touch when on stage in different places, tried to show her my love, my sensations for her, but in this world, with someone, it's not enough, you need to find in yourself what is the thing to change to achive what you want innerly, not only dresses and trousers, that's for fools. That's for idiots. You change a sweater and you're the same idiot. You need to find different paths inside you. Walk where you never did. I did everything for this girl, everything. And after 2 months that we don't meet she says that she doesn't know more who am I, and only seeing us now immediatly can save our relationship. Oh my god please ounch me in the face. I need to change body, not only wake up. Why becaused I belived it. I belived that if I just go there I can "save" someone! Something! Osho please wake me up. More. I was so goddam stupid. She was partying all time long in Brisvegas, Australia bitching around and now says me , come beacuse I don't fell anything more for you and only if you come immediatly we can TRY to fucking save the relationship. Jesus. I bought the ticket yesterday. 420 euros. 420 EUROS. That's a third of a wage in italy (pretty low isn't it). How can I be so goddam stupid?
It's not the problem that she was bitching around. No. The problem is that if you ARE with someone, your LOVE will never fall even if you fuck 1000girls. That's hormonal fullness, it's natural! But Love is something more and realizing this today makes me sick.
Found her on skype asking the bus from the airport because she's neither coming to pick me up. The first explanation was it is too expensive, then this weekend she was shopping. High heels sandals. Jesus crist wake me up stub me. Today I realized that there are goddam buses from the airport. Jesus lovley crist, Shoot me to death. I don't belive this dream it's too wierd. I asked her to come to pick me up but the taxi was too costly, I didn't want to ask further questions today.
Man I feel the dumbet guy ever. I post some words said by Osho, check this out:
Every relationship is only an arrow towards the ultimate relationship; it is a milestone, it is not a goal. Every love affair is just an indication of a bigger love affair ahead -- just a little taste, but that little taste is not going to quench your thirst or satisfy your hunger. On the contrary, that little taste will make you more thirsty, will make you more hungry. That's what happens in every relationship. Rather than giving you contentment, it gives you a tremendous discontentment. Each relationship fails in this world -- and it is good that it fails; it would have been a curse if it was not so. It is a blessing that it fails.
When you find someone who doesn't give a shit and only pretends? Shoot? Walk away? I stayed. I always stayed, I always gave, because in every relationship you find someone at the beginning and it's crazy how you feel on the clouds all the time. Then the same goddam problems.
Jealousy
Angryness
Possessivness
I'm for going through them, but alone is not good, it's good to do it toghether.
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